Learning to live loved

This morning while Karl and I were praying, I became so very aware of the love of Jesus.

Anyone who knows us even just a little, knows that we are not “super spiritual”, if that is the right term. We don’t pour over the Bible for hours on end every day, we don’t pray constantly and we definitely don’t walk in submission to the Holy Spirit in everything we do… and we don’t “feel” His presence with us very often. I personally am also not always gushing with love and adoration for Jesus. I read books like Brother Lawrence’s or Watchman Nee’s and they often make me feel pretty stupid and inadequate. Not the fault of the books or authors, just my own insecurities and habit of comparison. But this morning it was just there. His love. Just pure and true and believe me, not on any account of my own. I woke up grumpy and mad. Ezra had a bad night of waking constantly (and when I say waking constantly, I don’t mean once or twice, I mean 7 or 8 times in one night). I am also mad at someone who seriously harmed and slandered our family (of course all in the name of Christ and His love) and woke up with vengeance in my heart and a complete lack of desire to forgive. So, before the kids got out of their pajamas I had already yelled at the both of them more than once. We are sleeping in our living room, which is a whole different blog post, but suffice it to say that it does not do much for my attitude to have a chaotic house. I stumbled into our moldy, freezing kitchen, had a cup of tea and a cup of instant coffee, because we are out of the real stuff and we haven’t made the trek to the market to restock yet. So, tired and grumpy we huddled by the fire and decided to pray while we wait for morning to kick in. And then Jesus just… I don’t know… showed up? I know He is always present and always the same, but He just stepped into the chaos of a Monday morning and made me experience His love. It was pretty fantastic. And then, through this, I realized again what I often confess – that it is all about knowing God. Seriously. That life is a journey to bring us to understanding that we are the siblings of the First Born. That when Paul says that we are fellow heirs, it is less heady theology than just plain old truth that uneducated people like me can grasp, and LIVE! I HAVE A NEW HEART! A pure heart. A heart that actually desires God, who is my real Father. Not just positionally or “adopted” or whatever, but my real, true Father.  All of the Life that resurrected Jesus is in me. Really, completely in me. Craziness! Now that is Good News.

So, wonderfully, mysteriously, the Holy Spirit breathed freshness into my heart. Forgiveness seemed so simple and freedom so logical. And I fell in love with my kids and my life again. And I remembered that nothing we can accomplish, nothing we are part of has any value other than knowing Jesus. For real. That it all amounts to nothing. We are not driven to serve because we are saved; because so many people have never heard of Jesus and are doomed; because hordes are starving; because people get trafficked and exploited and someone should do something; or because we owe it to God. We serve because we love. And we love because He first loved us. Yes, I know all of that is in the Bible, plain to see. I needed the Holy Spirit to make it alive in my heart. For me, this means that I am leaving behind obligation and the yoke of performance. It is a constant journey for me, so you will hear me say that again. If I don’t feel like serving or caring, I will not carry the burden of “must” but ask Him to remind me again that I want to. To remind me again that He loves me so, to remind me that Jesus is my brother and I have a new, beautiful heart. And in spite of my fear that I will forget, He did say that this is the Holy Spirit’s job.