Awakening to Reality

Three Saturdays ago we were on the last day of our "there and back again" visa run. It was a loooong day, but I felt mostly good, even praying in my heart as we drove through the beautiful valleys that our accidental detour took us on. We have driven on the road we were supposed to take so many times before, but there is so much construction and we lost the landmark to the turn off, so we completely missed it and found ourselves on our merry way to Lijiang, the nearest town to us, but in a slightly different direction than Shangri-La itself. Oh well, longer, but less mining trucks and the road actually has a shoulder, which is a huge bonus, seeing that Chinese roads are built about a meter off the ground. The last hour of our trip was a little less fun, with Alianna screaming from the back "my bum hurts, my bum hurts, I want to be home, I want to stop (seriously, you cannot have both, but this does not compute in the mind of a travel weary five year old) and Ezra just doing his banshee shriek because he wanted to say the same as Alianna, but cannot speak yet. So, I was not a happy mama when we finally got home, but we were safe, which is a huge grace.

On the Sunday I found myself tired, cold and mad. At God. Because that makes a lot of sense. Our good friends stopped by to say hello and ended up staying for lunch and most of the afternoon. At one point I blew up with my annoyance at how I feel God is ruining my life. Making promises of healing, guidance and provision and then just not making good on them. My daughter's skin is worse than ever, we have blown through our savings with having to make these idiot visa runs (and hello, He hasn't provided a visa yet!) and He is basically as talkative as a stone when it comes to guidance. Bless Phil and Bren, they are so gracious. They listened, saw through the anger to have compassion with my pain and disillusionment. I would probably loose my faith if not for saints like these. In the end it turns out that God is hard at work chiseling away at my idol. The one I made and called "God". The one that makes everything tick along smoothly and do what I ask after I do my version of killing a chicken, doing a rain dance or making a pilgrimage. Turns out I am more animistic than I thought. And God, the real God? Well, turns out that He is a lot less predictable than I hoped. What with not being stuck in time, having an eternal perspective and being a lot less selfish than me. Also, He is a lot more faithful than I bargained for. I have prayed so many times in the past that I want my life to be reflective of who He is. I want to experience the fulness of a real, living relationship with Him. I want to live a sacrificial life, a life in a sharing community. But to experience that, so much of my way of thinking (and consequently my way of living) needs to change. I would love to see the signs and wonders of Acts (especially when it really benefits me or the ones I love), but I realise that the thing that changed the world right from the beginning was how the Christ-followers loved and cared for each other. And a greater sign of power is the wonder of a new heart, a new nature and a new inheritance. Somehow through all the un-fun things that I experience, He is making the freedom Christ died for a reality in my life. Freeing me from my debilitating fear of what others think, from the despair of feeling that I have nothing to show for my life and all the things I "feel" I sacrificed (what, after all, did Jesus have to show at the end of His?) and from the hopelessness of the deep pits that my immaturity and issues bring in my life and the lives of those around me, especially my children.

So, to make a long story short, I feel better. It only took a few days and several tantrums... and a few ups and downs over the past three weeks, but I feel a bit more back on track. Grace alone. Thank God He does not loose His temper and leave me the heck alone like I have asked Him to do so many times. Thank God that He is the only God who calls the prodigal home, who always forgives and restores. And always, always brings hope, even when my circumstances scream "HOPELESS!!". Most times I don't experience this as reality, but it doesn't change what is. So, I guess most of life is a process of growing into what is already true, what has already changed, what has already been accomplished. I think. Or something like that.  

Now I am trying to maintain some sense of peace while I frantically do laundry, clean our house and pack for our big trip to the US. We will be in Coeur d'Alene in December, then in Park City around New Year's and a little after that. We also plan trips to eastern and western Washington, but are not sure about dates yet. In there somewhere Karl also plans to go to Denver. We fly back out to China at the end of February. We still need a vehicle for our time in the US, so if anybody has something with four wheels that doesn't need a horse to pull it and that you aren't using, keep us in mind.

We are praying to connect with people and share what is really in our hearts. We need more support - for us and the work we do. Our deep desire is to partner with people with whom our vision resonates. And we would love to keep things real and open. Karl and I are both, uhm, proud people, and it has taken us a while to realise that we do not do a good job of making our needs known. Now we are learning to communicate our very real needs while trying to give people the freedom to meet them or not. It is a hard journey, one I have resented many times, but now am learning to embrace. It is part of our journey after all, and as with many things, necessary, but not evil. I am actually even getting excited about the whole need for support thing. That somehow, if it is a partnership of people that feel their hearts stirred by what we think He laid on ours, we can all be mutually blessed. Anyway, good things happening in my heart and attitude, which I am thankful for.

I know that many people are wondering what is happening with the olive farm, our projects here, the goats, etc. I will hopefully get to writing some about that soon. And yes, I know that you can post pictures on these fancy bloggy thingies, but just updating it is a huge step for me. So, once this technically challenged mama doesn't have to ask my hyper busy husband to post these things for me, I will work on the photos.

Look, a post, after two years of silence!

Beauty and Rest

We’ve been using a friend’s car and they come back soon so Saturday afternoon we took the chance and drove out of town, just to see some beauty and breathe. Fall is here in full force. Everywhere the colours are turning. The road we were on winds through the mountains, past green meadows speckled with flaming shrubs. The yellow and red on the mountainsides came to life in the afternoon light. I feel God’s presence differently when I am in nature. And my heart seems to rest. On our way back we stopped on the side of the road and walked into the forest far enough to feel as if we were days away from any sign of civilization. There was a small, clear stream that immediately drew us. Karl and Alianna built a dam and I kept Ezra from destroying it. We only went back because the sun was getting thin and we weren’t wearing enough clothes. It was such a blessing that we decided to invite some friends the next day and do it again. This time we went to the valley where the Banyan Tree is situated. It was even more beautiful. I want to move to that quiet valley with the river, hills and grassland dotted with yaks. It is only 20 minutes’ drive outside of town, so we will probably go again. Alianna definitely fell in love and wants to build a tree house by the river. 

Just a Few

You have not heard from us, because I really didn’t know what to write. In July we went to Thailand on a visa run, which was actually not bad. We got a 6 months double entry visa, which means that we are heading out of the country again at the end of this month. Right now we are planning to do a road trip (we are using a friend’s car) to the south of the province and head over to Laos again. It is the easiest and cheapest route and we have friends there, so we get to see them as well. The past three months saw a lot of ups and downs for us. We are really seeking Guidance in how to begin this business. In the end it is still just a “vehicle”. Our heart is to raise up locals to be able to produce safe food in a environmentally sustainable way while bringing true life to their communities. Right now we know three amazing people who fit that description. Only three, but it is a start. So how do we start a business that will fulfill all these requirements? We have no clue. We have a business plan and so many ideas. But in the end it will be one step at a time. Doing the next right thing. 

Business Baby Steps

Soon after we returned, Karl met with a potential investor for his business and had a very good time with him. He is interested in funding a pilot chicken project, which is a long story, but comes down to raising chickens on a small scale and in an environmentally friendly way, which might even improve the land it is raised on for grazing for other animals. I am not a farmer (just a farmer's wife, ha!), but I know that grazing here is terrible. When you see emaciated animals in September, after supposedly grazing on pasture all summer long, it is not difficult to conclude that the available pasture is not good quality. And then, if you have ever eaten Chinese chicken, you know why alternative ways of raising them would take off. They taste terrible. Chickens can also be a relatively easy small business enterprise for a small farmer with limited land and resources. Add to that the national concern for food safety and all kinds of scares about what is in animal feed, and you have a market for all the chickens that will hopefully soon be produced. This is just a pilot/trial project that will be part of the farm Karl is setting up with local believers. To begin a registered business, we still have a long way to go, we need $100 000 (US) and many capable people. Baby steps...

The end of the Road

In the meantime we lost the lease on the land where the goats were. Luke, who works for Karl, moved the goats to his own hometown. We actually went to Xia Ruo in September. Karl and Luke went to his village, at the end of the road in the valley (two days’ walk over the mountains to Benzilan, three days’ walk to Bai Mang Mountain, you get it, the end of the road). Beautiful, said Karl, but far. Luke’s family doesn’t hardly have any land, but the goats will be fed for the winter from hay and silage he made this summer and hopefully by spring we will have another option. In the meantime it is good for him to be with his parents. They are old and need help. At the same time they need Truth, Love and Grace. Maybe it is time for Luke to share the Life he found with his family. In the past they have not been very receptive. There are no believers over the age of 35 in that whole area and only a handful of younger ones. Pray for him to share with wisdom and gentleness. 

Life giving community

Over the last few months we have read through “Truefaced” and shared a lot of our thoughts, frustrations and struggles in a small group of friends. It has been challenging to be in true, open community, but it has also been tremendously good. Nothing is too awful to talk about. No situation is too hopeless. And every time when one of us cannot see the forest for the trees or feel that we are too deep in the ditch, the others gather around and remind us what Jesus did for us, who we are in Him and how we have new, pure hearts to live out of and a new Life to step into. Overwhelming despair or crippling struggles are so much easier to overcome with a fellowship of Believers being real, loving and gracious.  I need the Body. I need others who know that in this new life we can trust what God says about us and what He has accomplished and live accordingly. I would love to be that for those around me. 

Our Heavenly Father

Parenting has been challenging this last while. Actually, I think it has always been challenging for me. We have talked a lot about wanting the focus of our family and togetherness to be joy. Then I find myself really not living in it. I guess to impart a state of deep, restful joy in my relationship with my children, I have to experience that in my relationship with my Father first. And I don’t. Mostly I find myself striving, not resting. And when I feel like I have to strive for approval or experiencing my Father’s pleasure, rather than just resting in what He has already given, I expect striving from everyone around me. No-one is exempt. Not my wonderful husband and not my sweet children. I try to remember that we are all on a journey and God was not ignorant of my need for growth when He gave us Alianna and Ezra. And that their journeys are intertwined with mine. My Redeemer can redeem also my immaturity and the damage I feel it causes in my relationships. All the while He leads me to grow into who He says I am, now that I am hidden in Christ.

Visa...still waiting

Our visa situation hasn’t changed since we got back. The investor Karl met with earlier this year suggested that he tries to get involved with an (almost failing) olive farm in Kunming. He can help them get the farm back on track and they will try to help us with a visa. We have prayed a lot about this and felt hat it is the right thing to do for now. The board of directors wants to meet with Karl at the end of October before any final decisions are made. At the moment it looks like we will spend a few weeks in the year down there and then Karl might travel down between those times to train the workers on the farm in proper farming techniques. This is something that we will appreciate prayer for. For this to work it has to work for everyone involved and there seems to be a lot of details in it. Karl has always wanted to do something with olives here in our prefecture (sounds strange, but they actually have very old olive trees next to the river where it is lower and not so cold). So this will be a wonderful opportunity to get experience in this field. 

Trip to US

Christmas is two short months away. Frightening how quickly this year flew by. We are planning to go to the US in December and will be there until early February. Although we spent a year in South Africa, we haven’t been to the US in three years and we want to connect with supporters to share our needs and plans. It will also be good to reconnect with friends and family. The holidays are a bit of a crazy time to do that, but farmers have to be on their farms in summer, so it is the only option we have. If you are in the US and want to see us while we are there, or just want to say hi, contact us at 208 875 2275. It rings through to us here in China, 16 hours ahead of Pacific time.

In lifting up

If you are the type of person who wakes up in the middle of the night and takes that as an indication that you are to intercede, we need your prayers. If you are the type of person who fleetingly thinks of someone and shoots up a quick prayer, shoot one up for us. 

I think I am more convinced than ever before that we are not going to make it here without the prayers of others. For a long time we have felt overwhelmed and wanted to be ignorant of what might be going on around us in the unseen. Recently we have been prompted more to pray specifically into situations that can only be described as a battle. And sometimes I long for those ignorant times. The reality is that we have an enemy. But we also have victory. Pray for us to stand in that with His humility, wisdom and discernment. Pray for us to perservere.